At The Bus Stop
Just now, while walking back from Eunos (where mervyn blessed me with a lift and dropped me off at) i walked back home after buying the "wan bao" for my grandmother. I came across a boy walking barefooted to the bus stop, i felt there and then that he had alot on his mind, and was feeling a little sad. He then sat down and started to just look into space.
As i walked by, i just decieded to just try comfort him. Doing what little i could, i sat down and tried to talk to him, by then he already had tears in his eyes they stared to roll down his cheeks. I put my arm around his shoulder and just did what i could, gently patting and just what you'd do when someone is crying. I asked him if it was about his parents and he nodded, and asked if he would like to talk about it, but he declined. So i just sat with him and just kept comforting him, i knew too that it was hard for him, i being a stanger in his life and all. I didn't share with him about Jesus, but i did share how i too, when i was younger, was sad and depressed as well and i ran out to the bus stop as well, seeking solitude, or rather, seeking something or someone to help me. I guess that helped a little as he decieded it was time to go back home. While walking back i found out that his name was Timothy. I walked him back home and we parted at the gate, seeing him a little happier. I didn't do much i guess, i did what i could, but somehow maybe i felt i was lacking in how i handled the situation, if i should have shared about Jesus, and my past struggles with my parents as well. Questions aplenty i guess, but while walking back i sought God for his inquiry and as my name's meaning is, God is my judge, and asked Him how i did. I didn't get a "you did well" or something along those lines, but what i got was that, it was He who sent the little boy at that timing, and everything was His will, only if i chose to stop and take awhile, then i guess in that, i can consider that good. : )
I thank God for it was He that made me this way, knowing how to feel for others and how to just love them - even though im just doing simple things, and not needing to say anything smart or talk about God. But im sure there is room for improvement. Oh Lord, teach me Your ways, or Lord my God. Thank You, thank You for giving me life, and using me. Thank You for teaching me how to deal with things thus far, and i know You are going to do greater works. Thank You Lord. Amen.
Obedience
Don't feel like saying anything today. But more often than not with God, feelings are transended. Been having good times with God over the last few days. Brokeness upon brokeness. Rivers of tears. Shaking what needs to be shaken. Things that i surrendered yesterday might need to be done so as well today. And i want to surrender this paranoia and lack i feel that once i've connected deeply with someone, the relationship is bound to deteriorate. That's not true for all in any of my friendships, when markus went to canada, i did not blame anyone, i did not feel that i was losing anyone. I NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THAT WAY! It doesn't mean that if people leave my life that all are leaving. But now i make the choice, and the choice to put it into words.
I give this to you Lord, all i need is YOU
Even if another didn't connect deeply
I have You
I know You
Make this evident in my life. Its all yours. I don't need to pour out to anyone but You first. Thank You Lord.
Taking a Walk
These last two days have been great, God has been speaking to me, through many different things, and through many people. Once again, it was beautiful, it has been a new and renewed walk these last 3 days. I deceided to take walks, out towards bedok, and seeing houses around the area. Yesterday i walked towards Chai Chee and ended up near the Church near the highway, there i saw a group of secondary school boys playing soccer, i watched for awhile and then they kicked the ball out of the court. So i went and got the ball for them, and guess what? they said "thanks uncle" hahaha! watching a little longer, a player was injured, and at this point i felt God telling me to go ask if i could join them, so i did, and they agreed to let me play. It was fun just playing although i don't even know how to play, didn't score a goal but blasted a shot high, Argh.. hehe. In the end, the injured player came back on and scored the winning goal haha, I thanked the guys for letting me join in the fun and continued on my way home.
Today i went to see the recidences around kembangan that i haven't seen before. It was great getting to know a place better, and whats more i never knew although i stay in the same area. Many nice houses - i just love looking at houses, i don't really know why, but maybe its because i just want to get ideas and looks for my future house perhaps, haha, farfetched. I decieded then and there to pray and walk, prayed for those homes that didn't have Christ dwelling in them, and for their salvation. A simple thing that i've done, but i know that somehow seeds are planted. Thank You Lord for showing me many things this last 2 days, how to live my life, who i am, who You are and how to love others. Thank You Jesus.
Looking forwards to more walks... good for excercise too!
Grateful
Its been awhile since i last posted. All i can say is that during that time i was really seeking God and He was shaking things in my life and in me that needed to be shaken, the many misconceptions about Him that i had and how i saw myself as well. It wasn't easy. But i thank the Lord for keeping me, i know i can never blame Him for anything bad or tough that i go through in life, although during the process people do discourage me, but i take comfort in counting the cost and choosing the right response. Knowing God is not just about revelations, neither is it just about reading the word and praying, all those are good, but what i've learnt is that knowing God is about looking back at points in life that were tough and you could not pull through, and seeing how He saved the day and changed things around. That's the reality. That's how i know God is REAL. He just pulled me through and carried me. Deep emotions, hurts and things that i clinged on too as my indentity, all i can say now Lord, is THANK YOU. I want to build my identity in Him, because if i build it on anything else, one day, it will fade away. I am also grateful for Him putting great people in my life, beautiful people, ones that have built their foundations and identities in Him and Him alone. I look back and see how God has sent people too, in my dark hours, being me who would keep to myself, God sent people to speak and affirm me. Believing in God is Faith. Faith is believing without seeing, as much i cannot see God now, I saw glimpses of Him through the people that supported me along the way. My gratitude cannot be measured in earthly quantities. You oh Lord knew me and shaped me, You made me different in a way, sometimes You even say i am more different from others. I want to believe that now. I don't want to hate myself any longer. I am free in You Oh LORD!
I just want to take a special note of 16th July, which was yesterday, that day i experienced God in a real big and different way. Firstly to open up and share during the prayer at JYC, secondly a step to bless the younger ones as a ministry (not mine Lord, but yours). Thirdly for God telling me to come out and trust Him and how to know Him, that shook me greatly, i made the choice while walking to Kopitiam to fall back on Him and Him alone, even though i may walk what seems a lonely road. I CHOOSE to be happy because i am in You God! Thank you Lynn for that. And last but the most fulfilling part of the day, the time i spent at east coast. That was the most enjoyable part of the day, processing everything with God and sorting it out, i had a chance to just be free and be me during my dinner/supper. Sharing things of my past and myself, which i never really liked doing because i thought it was too much of self. But now i know that is not true, being true to yourself enables you to share about yourself without any bad feelings or thoughts that people might have a misconception. That's Freedom. So i thank you, Dear lovely friend, Jing'en, for it was a privilege to just spend that time with you. I thank God for the heart He has given you, how you chose to obey Him even though you didn't feel comfortable putting the day's message into action, also how it feels and concerns for others around you. I thank God for the sight and insight He has given you, for it has enable others, i'm sure, to see. God really made you special, for your ability to appriciate and understand many things, how diverse some may be. Yes, stars and surroundings He made for you, and those who take a little time to just look around. (:
Thank You Lord for friends. I never need to be afraid of losing any now, because even if i do, i know at least i have blessed them and vice versa. The best friend i can have is You Lord Jesus.
